His comments are in brown italics (that is, if the brown works ^^;;).
Not Black and White
(Yup, I got the title before everything else...)
Is it not black, but white? Or not black and not white? And what does that title refer to?
We are gonna skip a bunch of stuff, because the author can't be bothered to think up details yet...
What kind of irresponsible storytelling is that?! If you can't be bothered to think, then the readers can't be bothered to read either!!
T rounded the corner. That was a deadend there, so there was not any way for her to go now, unless she could vanish into thin air. He tried to thump down his excitement. Although excitement wasn't the right word. He was more angry. Was he the only one who felt an emotional connection? He opened all of himself, only to be rebuffed...
So, in media res starting point, but presumably without any flashback since the author hasn't thought up details yet.
Oh, and the first part of the last sentence is too kinky. I'm going to tentatively say that might not be your intention, author...
T blinked. P was not there. Instead, he only saw someone whose annoying face he knew only too well.
Annoying? Annoying? He is more annoying than me!
"Oi, O-kun. In a hurry to go somewhere?"
What is this O-kun business? It sounds more dirty than it should be. And who is O-kun again?
It was an irritating drawl that should have made T hit the guy immediately, but he pulled back. There really was not any way to escape from this back alley, yet P apparently did.
Irritating? T is the irritating one! You dare hit me, T, and I'll return it ten folds...
"Out of my way, Y," T said almost distractedly.
What is that 'almost distractedly'? Either he is distracted or he is not!
"Or what? Are you looking for something, O-kun?"
Other than the use of 'O-kun', I actually can't find anything wrong with this part...
T gritted his teeth.
"None of your damn business!"
Hey, not nice, T, to snap at someone who wants to help you.
The other guy sighed, all signs of levity gone.
What? Can't you simply say I become serious?
"Look, H-kun. I don't want things to turn out this way either."
That is just great. 'H-kun' is far more dirtier than 'O-kun'. And what things turning out in what way? Explain that to me, why don't you, author?
T's head turned at that. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" But deep down he knew what terrible confession was about to go down.
That makes it sound like his head has a will of its own, which might be true, with the way his mouth keeps taking in those cancer inducing rolls. And is he a mind reader or something? I don't even know what confession is about to pass, and I am the person who is supposed to be making that confession!
"Hey, hey. You are going to make me say it, aren't you? Let this be on your head then."
I could say something along those lines, so, okay.
And with that, the air seemed to waver, enough that T could not see what was happening in front of him, or more specifically, to the other guy. A moment later, certainly not long enough for T to prepare himself, the air settled back to normal. And just as he feared, P was standing there, in the same pretty kimino he had seen her in. But a mocking expression much better suited for her male alter ego was marring her beauty.
Oh, so I am the girl T has been chasing. That explains...nothing. And is that the best you could do with the transformation scene? I am disappointed. If I could have that kind of power, why couldn't I be more mysterious...or at least look more cool with it? By the way, T is seeing things if he thinks my expression there is mocking. I have no intention of mocking him.
"It was a mistake to run from you. If you want me that much, you can have me, as long as you pay."
What the hell is this?!!!! I sound like someone who is about to sell their body for money?!!
"...what the hell are you saying,...P...no...?"
For once we have the same reaction, T.
She laughed. It was an unpleasant laugh.
I don't have an unpleasant laugh. Get it through your head that I am perfectly charming.
"That you can use me as long as I'm compensated."
And don't you dare make me repeat that WTF thing?!!!! But since we are already at it, how much am I worth? Better than the best of Y--------?
Something inside T snapped then. He walked over and slapped her face.
I kinda wish it was something in his head that snapped, but I probably hope too much. And he actually did violence to my person? I hope he is prepared for the consequences then...
She touched her cheek and with a move that caught him off guard, punched him hard in the face that he flew across the alley way.
There you go. I wholeheartedly approve of this action.
T struggled to get up. Damn, the guy might be a girl then, but he certainly hadn't lost any of his strength. "Agh...What the hell did you punch me for?"
Good for you, author, for not making me lose my normal strength. And, T, that was for hitting me.
"For treating me like a girl, idiot!"
ARGH!!! Don't make me sound like a jilted lover or something?!! And idiot is just too soft a word for this guy. I would bastard him all the way to hell and back.
But I understand where you come from, author. He would have been more violent were I in my normal form...
But you are a woman, at least for now, damn you. He did not claim to understand how or why she could apparently switch genders at will (the guy might not be fully human, for all T knew), and he doubted she would have told him. They certainly never got along at all, but yet, seeing her like this, not trembling precisely, because either P or her alter ego would not show weakness to him, he thought perhaps he might have been too close-minded. No one could be that annoying all the time.
I am fully human, if you must know, T. With my luck, it's either a curse or an A----- technology that gives me this power. And don't worry, I would show my weakness to you if I had one.
He was still angry, though. Why didn't P just tell him straight what she was up to?
I don't know the reason either. Maybe the author just wants to keep P mysterious.
Most likely because he wasn't trusted either. And that hurt! Hurt in a way he did not understand.
Or maybe the author has been reading too much shoujo manga...
"Don't be a woman if you don't want to be treated as one."
That is a very problematic language right there. You, author, do not get to tell someone to stop being who they are. Though I will relent in this case and assume you only mean physical change, since apparently my character is a, what, gender switcher? And can actually change back and forth with ease (I hope you explain properly somewhere how this power is supposed to work)?
P sighed. "I am an idiot. But I might as well use this situation to my advantage. What do you want with me, exactly?"
Doesn't sound too much like something I wouldn't say, so I'll let this one pass...
"I want you to stop with the playacting, which you suck, by the way. And I could return the same question to you. What the hell do you want with me, exactly?"
You suck at playacting too, T. But if we are talking about your sadist sidekick, that is another story...
"Coming from you, that does not make me feel better at all. And I don't know what I want with you. If I did, I wouldn't still be talking to you like this."
Confused heroine is confused. At least, that is what I want to say if that heroine is not me...
"Not supposed to make you feel better. Oh, and the playacting comment also means that you stop using the form you are using now."
There, I was right about your intention, author (see my fourth comment above this one). Cruel, though, T-kun, for telling me to stop using my female form. Do you hate women that much?
"Tsk. I thought I would hide out like this for a while." T glared with his best evil eyes, and that caused P to put up both her hands. "Oh, all right, all right. I want you to promise not to beat me up then."
I do not like that his glare can make me do something I don't want to. What a controlling boyfriend!
By the way, author, it is 'tch', not 'tsk'. I actually voiced that out, not
If you are actually afraid of me, the world must be coming to an end. But all he said was "fine".
What is this, T? You dared threaten me even though you knew all that?
So P did what he requested. The air shifted thing disoriented T again, even though he expected it this time. Then the familiar form and face appeared again.
What is this lazy storytelling? 'Familiar form and face'? How is that different from the female version then, because I gather T is familiar with that form by now? You could have mentioned my naturally perm hair, at least (that is, assuming my female form doesn't have naturally perm hair), or the way I wear my kimono off my right shoulder...
"Probably too much to ask that you forget what you've seen here, but I want you to ignore it. See you."
If I was in my right mind, I would make T forget what he has seen here. All of it.
Before he fully knew what he was doing, T reached out his hand to stop the other guy from leaving.
Ha. He just does not want to accept that he wants me. In male form, no less. Otherwise he would have tried that with the female form already.
Despite seeing how annoyed the other guy was, T pulled him closer and kissed him.
You are not that accurate, mind-reader-kun. I am not annoyed at all. I am furious that you made the first move!
T braced himself to be punched again, but, to his surprise, the other guy deepen the kiss, so T let nature took its course. As far as kissing went anyway.
I won't punch you, T, for kissing me. But sex with me will come with very large strings attached...
Author's Notes: Umm...so he is not really complaining about his role, is he? I am confused now whether he is an alternate version or the one from the fic pretending to be upset...
Anyway, I'm done with this. Hopefully my next post will be something different.